您们好！我有一个当真的问题： how can i find a good, traditional, yet open-minded chinese girlfriend?

I have lived in China for about two years now, in 3 different cities, and it seems very difficult to meet good girls.
我是一个友好的，帅的，可靠的和幽默的男人，但是我能找一个合适的女孩人！ Yes, i know if i go to a bar i can meet many girls, but these are exactly the kind of girls i do NOT want to meet!! i do not want a girl who drinks & smokes & likes to go to bars and dance to western hip-hop music! in my opinion, most the girls you meet in bars are not good girls. in fact, i even met one girl who told me she was a "good girl" (seems all chinese girls will say this, even if they are really a very bad girl) -- we were together about a month and i started to like her very much, and she told me she liked me very much and wanted to marry me, but then i soon found out she was another man's 二奶！！！and i went on several dates with another girl who let me take her many places and buy her many things and told me she liked me very much, then i found out she had another foreign bf in the same city and a chinese bf in a different city!! so, where/how to meet good girls that like me for who i am and do not want to use me for something? and one more thing-- i do not want a girl who has dated other foreigners before-- raises too many questions.

I'm serious about this and any help would be greatly appreciated! 我非常喜欢中国 and think i may want to stay here forever, 所以我真的想找一个好的女朋友、爱人，妻子；可是我真的不知道我应该做什么！请帮助我！！谢谢您们！

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/18/2009 01:02PM by Olive.

It doesn't matter what nationality, or what country, you just have to be available and take every opportunity to talk to anyone you think may be a woman you want to know. I have had the same experience in Australia with women of my own nationality (australian). Good luck.

First: Stay far far far away from the bars. Those are mostly meat markets and while there are a couple of good girls in them they are far outnumbered by gold diggers and prostitutes (both working girls and girls who look at guys as a person to buy them things, both are prostitutes just one is honest with themselves about it)

Second: You said you took a girl out and bought her many things. Don't do that. Take them out and buy dinner or pay for tickets to a movie but don't buy them things outside of what is needed for the date. If they say it's Chinese culture to buy them clothes or jewelery or whatever leave them immediately. It's Chinese culture to insist your foreign boyfriend buys you things but you don't want a girl who likes that part of Chinese culture. In the beginning tell them you don't like to spend lots of money, tell them you are poor, tell them whatever but don't buy them lots of things. The girls you want are the ones who are happy to go walk in the park and have 5 kuai noodles afterwards as a date.

Third: Stay away from Foreigner rich areas. If you live in Beijing stay out of San Li Tun and Wu Dao Kou. Every big city has one or two foreigner areas, girls there are either looking for foreigners or have a fetish for foreigners. You don't want them.

Fourth:Find a girl not wearing a mini skirt, low cut top etc. Look for clothes that back home we would consider preppy. That's the general look that is considered pretty in China for girls who aren't bar girls. If you want an idea, look for the store E-Land, I've found most girls wearing that style of clothes (it's considered University style) are usually Open Minded enough to be wearing somewhat trendy clothes but still traditional enough to be wearing modest clothes as E-land is nice but not sexy usually.

Fifth:Forget open Minded and traditional. You want Traditional but not closed minded. There is a difference. In China open minded usually means is not so serious about relationships. If you want a serious relationship find a serious relationship girl. There are PLENTY of girls in China who are not so closed minded that they wont date a foreigner (most Chinese girls have no problem with this, they'll just be worried you are a playboy so be prepared for a lot of time spent assuring them and dealing with their insecurities) but not so open minded as to date three foreigners at the same time.

Sixth:Meet them anywhere. Seriously, just go and talk to them. Ask them if they can help you with your Chinese or ask for directions to somewhere and see if they want to come along. Go to them and say "Sorry for bothering you, how do I get to Baihai Gong Yuan? Really? Thanks, I've never been here before so I want to see it, are you from this city?" Chat about her for a while then ask something like "Do you have time/want to come with me?" If yes than you are in. If no than "Maybe another day you can show me around the city, I can help you with English and you can help me with Chinese!" Very rarely does that sort of thing ever fail unless they hate foreigners or if they have a jealous boyfriend. Get their phone number and message them often, not every ten minutes or anything but every day or two send at least one message, even if it's just "Sweet dreams!" in the evening. Show you are thinking about her and that is a HUGE part of a Chinese relationship, if you don't message they assume you don't really care.

Go to a book store and find someone who looks pretty and ask for help in finding some sort of book (learning Chinese books are great because it gives the feeling that you need help learning, let slip you are looking for someone to help you), chat to her while you look and than ask if she can help you with Chinese or help you learn the city or just become friends. Get her number, message.

Chinese girls are very shy, ESPECIALLY the girls you are looking for. You will need to make the first move. However traditional girls are also often very insecure about themselves because China teaches that everyone is the same, therefore you might find an incredibly beautiful girl who doesn't know she is and this makes Chinese girls easier to talk to and to approach. If you try to approach a beautiful girl back home you might get brushed off because they've had four other guys do the same thing in the last hour, in China Chinese guys also don't often approach girls so it leaves the door open for an easy approach and an easy new friend with maybe more later.

After a couple dates where you don't lavish anything fancy on them, buy them a gift. Why? Because it IS Chinese culture for the boy to buy gifts for the girl, but it's not needed to buy a gift every time you go out or really expensive gifts. Or even better, make dinner for them! Make them a nice simple Italian Noodles, garlic bread and Salad dinner and get a nice bottle of Red Wine, something foreign so it adds to the atmosphere (plus most Chinese wine is crap). Simple to make but makes a HUGE impression.

All that said, if you are approaching these types of girls BE VERY HONEST about your intentions. If you don't want to get married right now, TELL THEM. These types of girls are mostly very sensitive and if you are approaching traditional style girls they are used to the idea of true love and that you love one person all your life. If this is not what you are going for than be honest with them and yourself. They might still be up for just dating and having fun but they might not, if you are honest in the beginning it will save a LOT of crying and problems later.

Honesty is key, foreigners have a TERRIBLE reputation in this country for using girls for sex, and it's often well deserved so be prepared to defend your motives a lot. Just be very patient with them, they will be getting a lot of pressure from family and probably many of their peers to be with a "serious" Chinese boy. Be patient. Be kind. Be nice to their family. And Be Honest.

我认为你遇到的问题在任何时候,任何地方,任何国家都有可能发生,所以那不是中国女孩子的问题,希望不要因为这些糟糕的经历让你对中国女孩子有不好的印象。大多数女孩子还是好的，善良的，认真对待感情的。YOUR GIRL IS WAITING FOR YOU SOMEWHERE.GOOD LUCK!

wow, thanks Uberche. i know that mssg took a while to type, so thanks alot for taking the time. and i'll gladly accept your advice! tks again!

ok, and i want to be clear about something: i obviously did NOT mean to imply that i think all chinese girls are bad-- in fact quite the opposite. i think most chinese girls are wonderful, and this is why i want to find one to date seriously, and possibly even marry. it's just that as a foreigner, very often the girls that it is easy for us to meet are often the kind of girls i'm trying to avoid. it's much harder to meet the type i'd like to be with. and lastly, believe me, i know there are these types of girls/people all over the world, not just china. that's why my original question is where/how to meet the "good" girls, the kind i would like to be with for a long, long time.
again, thank you all for your thoughts/encouragement, and thaks in advance for anyone else who might reply. i appreciate all of your thoughts!

Quote:
Wendy.Tang: 我认为你遇到的问题在任何时候,任何方,任何国家都有可能发生,所以那不中国女孩子的问题,希望不要因为这糟糕的经历让你对中国女孩子有不好印象。大多数女孩子还是好的，善良的，认真对待感情的。Your girl is waiting for you somewhere, good luck!

Chinese girls are always so friendly and encouraging! haha!
这个也是一个中国女孩的问题因为他们都怎么害羞，也总是很忙。。。先学习学习学习然后工作工作工作！哈哈 所以没有人知道可以见面在那里！

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/18/2009 01:04PM by Olive.

Get a pay girl at clubs.

I'm quite serious actually. If they were that good at getting money from men they wouldn't be doing this job with the club and go off freelancing! And most of the these pay girls are not bad girls, just in desperate need for money. Now you probably have to do this many many times as I get offers from these girls to introduce their friend into a date. That's if they feel you're a nice guy and not some regular guys that's just in it for sex. Turns out the freind is truely those good office girls.

But I'm not a particularly commited good guy to the relationship and really only see that girl once a month. I'm surprised she's actually still with me. Looks like I owe her a big romantic Valentine's day.

Actually getting a pay girls also helps you see a nice big picture of what is happening here in China. How some of these girls have boyfriends that have no idea they are here doing what they are doing. You also might acquire a skill on how to spot the good, the naughty and those that just plain NONOs!

Actually you know what?!

Just go to Hong Kong. Even the Chinese girls you meet at bars over there are quite faithful good girls actually! Hong Kong Chinese girls usually tend to be the most faithful among all Chinese I find.

if you are sameone who is only interest in sex,except you are as cunning as

a fox,otherwise ,it is impossible that one of the kind and wise girls will

accept you.

if you have a true heart to know a good girl ,maybe some good club

(eg.reading club) and charity activities ,teaching organization,where people

are care the benifits of others etc can you meet some good one,with you good

lucky

hehe,I think I can help you

you can send me a message

Uberche Wrote:
> Chinese girls are always so friendly and
> encouraging! haha!
> 这个也是一个中国女孩的问题因为他今> ?都怎么害羞，也总是很忙。。。先学䊦gt; ??学习学习然后工作工作工作！哈哈
> 所以没有人知道可以见面在那里！
Your words are quite true.This is what most chinese "good" girls are doing.In my opinion,most traditional while open-minded chinese girls who can also speak some english are studying hard or working hard.To some extent,they sacrifice something for other things.But most of them are happy.So,Tb1570 maybe should find one in university.

Rina Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Your words are quite true.This is what most
> chinese "good" girls are doing.In my opinion,most
> traditional while open-minded chinese girls who
> can also speak some english are studying hard or
> working hard.To some extent,they sacrifice
> something for other things.But most of them are
> happy.So,Tb1570 maybe should find one in
> university.

Yeah looking at a University is definitely a good idea. Go to the cafes and book stores around the university area and see who you meet. Or find out when and where the Universities have English Corner and go, that's a surefire way to meet lots of lovely intelligent, hardworking girls.

I dont understand how you judge a girl?! put in this way.. if a girl who doesnt smoke , drink., clubbing, and being loyalty to her bf... ?! Is she a real 'good' girl... only you try to know her,then you will find out if she is good or not!@!@

So hard to judge persons if they are good... as you said ,, girls who smoke drink,, or clubbing,,, how about you?! when you expect someone being good,, firstly,, making sure that you meet all the critirian that you set to others...

Dont expect too much,, otherwises youll get a big dispointment,,, or many big dispoitments~!~!

LYN

很同情你的不幸遭遇，对任何人来讲感情被骗都不好受。

我是一个中国女孩，平时也没有机会接触外国人。我觉得有少部分人会认为能跟一个老外在一起是一种荣耀，认为很多老外都很有钱，跟了老外可以出国等等。所以如果是有了这些想法的人，当然要费劲心思地去接近老外（对于这种人我也很反感）。其实绝大多数女孩、男孩都是好孩子，他们过着自己原本平淡的生活，踏实、勤奋，不会刻意去追求什么，所以相对于那些你在bar里遇到的女孩子的心态，好孩子们对于你来讲不太容易接触到了。不过不要灰心，你可以多认识些中国朋友，你最终会发现还是好人多~！

同时我觉得bar里的女孩子不见得都不好（虽然我没去过，有时我也很想去，只是没有机会），那里只是个娱乐休闲的场所，喜欢那种氛围的人都会去的，只是你需要睁大眼睛看清她不是那种抽烟喝酒的坏女孩！

对于找个外国人结婚的问题，我和家人、朋友也都讨论过。我只希望无论是中国人还是外国人，大家在一起都要真诚、坦率，有共同的兴趣爱好，喜爱对方的文化，接受对方的生活习惯。最近我好不容易发现一个另我喜欢的中国男孩子，我也对他表达了“我喜欢你”，我不在乎他有钱没钱、工作如何，可是我不知是因为自己太直率另他不好接受还是他真的不想接受我，他没有给我明确的回答。在这方面，我还是很喜欢西方人的热情、奔放、坦率！

Soory for my English is poor，so I write in chinese！

I love all this advice that is given. To be honest the answer is already there in your face. Here is the real truth as what was said above. It doesn't matter where the girl is frome. Also as what was said don't judge right away. I know wonderful girls who go to the club, dance the night away, drink a bit and yet they won't go home with just any guy.

I'll explain it real simple. Again it doesn't matter what country you are in. To find a good girl is like finding a needle in a hay stack. You just have to keep searching.

Also, what would be a good girl for you may not be a good girl for others.

The other thing is be careful looking for a traditional girl, she may not be what you want after all.

Also, be careful of the traditional girls because at first they may seem like it but behind the mask of tradition she maybe someone else.

So again finding a good girl is a hard thing to do. It's why I went from girl after girl after girl till I found mine.

Oh, and the biggest mistake you are making is that you are actively looking. Stop looking and just let things happen. When you fight the water you drown, and when you just let yourself relax you float on it and everything feels fine.

Seriously stop looking.

iam chinese girl .I dont understand how you judge a girl!but on my mind i dont think girls drinks or smokes or likes to go to bars , mean that girl is bad girl.why dont you think till now you didnot meet your miss right .i from traditional family , you can think iam traditional ,because iam also dont like girls smokes or drinks and go to bars. and i never do that,but not mean i agree with your mind.everyone have own life style,some like dance , some one like reading ...... Please do not look at individual phenomenon,Most of the Chinese women are still very good, they are warm heart ,caring ,intelligent,importance of the family.......
i think i am open mind too ,Open thought but Conservative behavior.i think we should learn and Standing on another angle of looking at things,learn from others' strong points to offset one's weaknesses.Have a development perspective to see the world.if that girl not chinese ,she is withe woman ,what do you think ?will you think she is bad girl?
my english poor ,i cant say more , and maybe i make many mistake here ,but i want to say . because chinese people most are very nice ,man and woman .
wish you can find your right one ,we all looking for , not only you Come across this condition, i think chinese man also .maybe Here you are the test of God.so believe love is beautiful,wish you good luck!Everyone is willing to find true love.

Dalia2009 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> because iam also
> dont like girls smokes or drinks and go to bars.
> and i never do that,but not mean i agree with your
> mind.everyone have own life style,some like dance
> , some one like reading ...... Please do not look
> at individual phenomenon,Most of the Chinese women
> are still very good, they are warm heart ,caring
> ,intelligent,importance of the family.......

Should clarify. When foreigners talk about Bar girls (the drinking dancing smoking girls) we aren't meaning all bar girls. Some girls are teh bar are just having fun with friends. The problem is that most of the time the girls that come and talk to foreigners are the bars are not the good girls. They are the girls who go home with different men each night and just want a foreigner to buy them drinks and clothes and things.

Most Chinese girls are wonderful. Just foreigners meet too many huai bar girls so we often generalize all girls in the bar as this...

LOL as far as I'm concerned all women from every country are the same when it comes to relationships, love, sex, and all that stuff that comes with 2 people meeting each other and forming a bond.

Because I've seen warm hearted caring girls from all over the world, and I've seen trash from all over the world too....and to be honest. There is more trash than there is anything else. This is why I said it's like finding a needle in the haystack.

And yes there are more trash girls than good ones, but there are also more trash guys than good ones too. This is why I loathe humanity, and want to become an evil scientist and try to destroy the world with my evil scientist invention....yeah I know I watched too many cartoons as a kid.

iam glad to see this Objective comments from mr Uberche.

I think the advice you've given is good. I live in Shandong province. I have been in China only three weeks, and I like a woman who is another teacher here. She's very smart and has a masters degree in economics. Not married, and I don't think she has a BF. I'm don't know if there could be anything there. I asked her to be my teacher once, but she refused. She said she'd teach me at school, but she wanted time to rest at home. Her friend admitted to me it was really because maybe it's not so good for Chinese women to go around at night with foreigners like that.

How would I let her know how I feel? Would it ruin my relationships at school if I did? Would it really matter anyway, or is there no way she'd ever be interested in me? Another factor that would probably work against me is that I'm 42 and she's 27. What do others think?

Dont search her, dont think about search, continue your life. Your fate will tell you.

Pepsipolo Wrote:
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> Dont search her, dont think about search, continue
> your life. Your fate will tell you.

Plenty single people at their 30s,40s and 50s out there? Is that their fate?
Plenty of divorces happening out there too, is that fate?

Fate is bloody hell romantic for the majority isn't it?

Pretty and good girls don't beleive in fate when they have a dozen dicks to choose from every year. That is until they start getting wrinkles, old and no longer attractive and then they start to write blogs on how there's no more good men out there anymore.

Have you watched the latest Jim Carry movie 'Yes Man'? Now that's a movie to show that its not always fate that make the good life but really decisions in taking chances. Opportunities don't wait for you, so its time to say yes! When you see a cute girl in the library its time to say yes I will ask her out and will not be afraid of rejection! And when you see beggars and their kids chase you for money, that you can say no! But life is short so say yes to every good opportunity you get and don't be lazy about it.

Moroes do not mix everything in one box.
Actually, life is like playing cards. Someone wins, someone loses.
Everyone in this life is the master of his fortune.

Don't listen to those saying not to approach her. Go to it. She's probably fairly traditional though so go slow, spend a lot of time around her chatting and making her laugh. Find out what she likes. See if you can't arrange for times to meet in the day or with other people with you as well so that it's not so strange for her.

Most people who aren't naive understand that foreigners get pretty females to teach us Chinese for an obvious reason... She probably assumes you were just looking for a quick roll in the sack, if you are I'd suggest not her because it will make work very awkward and everyone at the school will hate you for it. But if you are honestly lookin gfor a relationship just take it slower, day time meetings or group meetings are always much better! Or ask her for some help doing something. Even if you dn't need. Tell her you need to get a Bank Account or need to find some particular thing around town and then build from there.

Patience is key.

Uberche Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Don't listen to those saying not to approach her.
> Go to it.
>
> She probably assumes you
> were just looking for a quick roll in the sack, if
> you are I'd suggest not her because it will make
> work very awkward and everyone at the school will
> hate you for it.

Yes I agree. Don't let anyone tell you not to approach her. You were already introduced so you have every right to talk to her even just to say hi. Also, even if you didn't know her there is nothing wrong with being forward and just walking up to her to talk to her. Let the Chinese people play their game their way, and you can do it your way by being more bold if need be. Sure it will be a little strange for her at first, but she will at least understand it's just a difference in how it's done, no one is that stupid that they would take complete offence to it.

And I also agree if you are just looking for a one night stand or a friends with benefits relationship with her forget it. You work with her so it's shite. Also be weary of her being aprehensive to having a relationship with you beyond friends. A lot of people are going to see it as you are older and she is younger, therefore she is with you for your money, and you will have people tell you as such and warn you as such. My wife is 3 years older than me, I have no money, and people still told me she was with me for my money...or just to get into the US. But hey it's how it goes, and because of this talk she may understand people will feel this way about her and she may be nervous about having something like this with you.

So as Uberche said, be patient.

Thanks guys. And, don't worry, I'm not out for some one night thing. I doubt it would be possible, anyway.

LOL well sometimes it's that way. I'm used to always getting the girl...well for the last few years no...but that's because I'm not in the position of trying anymore lol.

Emm, I am a Chinese girl in university, have met some foreigners, but have no chance to know their minds well, just friends say hi and talk about common topics. They’re here just for short time and we all have different lives. They behave nice.
Here are my opinions, just mine.
Though more and more Chinese girls don't care about age, the traditional girls still care. From traditional view, 42 vs 27 matters a lot. Just because people in different age have different background, I mean generation gaps. So actually not the age matters, but do you share the same (or similar) opinions to things? If not , do you two always appreciate others opinions even you don’t agree with? I mean, is there chemistry between you two, not just from your part? Whatever, if she is a nice girl, she deserves your chasing effort, don’t hesitate, and just go ahead!!!!
Ah, from what you said, there’s possibility she is a traditional girl. Then Mr. Uberche is absolutely right that, patience is the key.
Wish you good luck 


Brettcahan Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think the advice you've given is good. I live in
> Shandong province. I have been in China only three
> weeks, and I like a woman who is another teacher
> here. She's very smart and has a masters degree in
> economics. Not married, and I don't think she has
> a BF. I'm don't know if there could be anything
> there. I asked her to be my teacher once, but she
> refused. She said she'd teach me at school, but
> she wanted time to rest at home. Her friend
> admitted to me it was really because maybe it's
> not so good for Chinese women to go around at
> night with foreigners like that.
>
> How would I let her know how I feel? Would it ruin
> my relationships at school if I did? Would it
> really matter anyway, or is there no way she'd
> ever be interested in me? Another factor that
> would probably work against me is that I'm 42 and
> she's 27. What do others think?