This is my situation, I hope someone can give me some input.

1) I attend an American university where there's a big Chinese community
2) I get along with the Chinese people well; most of them have only two or three years in the US
3) I have a female friend with whom we were in the same class
4) I organized a group long camping trip and she, me and another friend went for two days. We had a great time.
5) After a few days met again so she can teach me Chinese; she was dressed so beautifully. We had a nice conversation too for 2 hours; she told me lots of personal stuff about her and good conversation. We went for fast food lunch and let her pay her own (maybe I made a mistake here). We were supposed to meet the following week and so on - for learning Chinese and me teaching her English.
6) Two days after, I try to start a chat in msn and no reply. So I back off and do not try to contact her or ask her about the next meeting; I tried to forget about her
7) Then, after a month, I sent her an email asking a general question and she takes one week to reply; a single line.
8) Now I do not even see her in msn now
9) have not seen her for over a month
10) I'm 12 years older than she is (she is 25)

Is this a normal behavior? did I do anything wrong?

It is my impression that Chinese girls can all of a sudden disappear from one's life? sometime ago, I also had a classmate with whom we chatted and suddenly she did not even reply my msn requests, after being very friendly with me; though that time we had not done any activities.

It might be an age thing.

Any ideas? should I forget about her? do something? Thank you for the feedback. I might be culturally clueless...

Terry

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2009 06:30AM by Olive.

Anything happen on the camping trip? between you two I mean.

Paying for her own shouldn't mean ignoring you. I know girls who will be a little insulted or think you are strange (Cheap) if you do so but never met anyone who just cut off communication completely.

What was the one line in MSN when she replied? Rude or just a normal answer?

Is she busy lately?

Has she met another boy? Honestly this is what I would say with the little information you have given. I don't know Chinese girls who disappear for no reason but I DO know many many Chinese girls who cut off communication with other guys if they start dating a boy, especially if it's a Chinese Boy as many of them are quite traditional and don't think it's appropriate for their girlfriend to be going out and hanging out with other guys, especially foreigners.

Regardless of why though, yeah forget her. She has moved on and so should you I'd say. There are many fish in the sea as they say and it's time to go try your luck with another one.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2009 06:31AM by Olive.

probably she want you pay for her.many chinese girl want their boyfriend pay for them.

Thank you for the answers. to answer your questions:

Nothing happened on the trip. However, oddly enough, whenever I took pictures, she would cross arms with my friend (who's a guy she had just met - I introduced them); on the contrary, she would stay "away" from me when my friend took pictures of us. I can say safely that there's nothing between them as my friend has a gf, etc.

Regarding paying, I think she expected me to pay because, the last time we talked over msn (before the last meeting), I mentioned that we could have lunch and she said "yes, thanks". As you say, this should not be a reason of ignoring me pretty much completely. However, this is where the cultural things comes... I do not know what effects not paying would bring.

She never answered to my first attempt to talk to her on msn; she actually logged off. After three weeks, I sent her an email asking her whether she had a book I could borrow; after one week, she answered and apologized for not replying earlier; a normal short answer, I would say. She said she does not have the book but that she will see whether others have it - a couple of lines to the point. I answered back, told her that I've already found the book and to let me know when she goes to campus. Nothing since then.

You might have a point. Maybe she's got another guy. Although the last time she shared some stuff with me, she told me she did not have a bf and had never had a bf; she told me about guys that tried to be with her. However, she had a mark on her neck

Probably she wanted to make her "bf" jealous, etc; a complete disconnect and ignoring would explain that, as you say.

She has not been busy at all, on the contrary, she's been doing nothing and bored and probably a little bit depressed; closed in her room; maybe a little low self-esteem.

Yeah, I'm moving on; I was just trying to make sense so I do not the same mistakes int he future.

She might me a "run away bride"

Thank you again for the input. If you have any other comments or suggestions, please post them.

Terry

I don't think it was the paying issue, especially not the first date. If you had done it a bunch of times i could see it. If she stayed away from you on the trip means she was uncomfortable. Maybe she just wasn't interested or something. Or maybe she just has a bf.

Or maybe she's crazy... There is crazy people everywhere haha

The experience sounds familiar.

Mainland women I've met in this country (Japan) to about age 25 have been fickle. A bit older seems to make all the difference, more responsible, genuine as people. My feeling at the moment is the youth have it and they're spoiled (and maybe their parents didn't teach then right). Societal changes. Among young Japanese there are significant differences that run along very narrow age lines. Probably the same for China.

Give her more space? Naw! I'd say go get in her hair! She's going to love you for who you are -or not at all!

You suggested that you would have lunch together and that she was dressed beautifully. She expected to be taken to a real restaurant, not to a fast-food place! I would be annoyed as well because i never eat fast-food and would hate to be dragged to such a place. And i certainly wouldn't refer to McDonald's as "doing lunch." Btw, I always pay for my own meals, certainly for a first "date." Modern women do so because we don't want to be under any obligation if we have no desire to see the guy again.

Women might be interested in "older" men (older is a relative term) because they expect them to be more worldly, more sophisticated. Now, if this man then equates an invitation for lunch with going to McDonald's he'll come across as Mr Cheap who's probably strapped from paying his ex-wife or the repo-man. Instead, she might be more interested in a carefree, romantic but impractical guy of 25 with a beard and a guitar slung over his shoulder and having to fix HIM lunch because he doesn't possess a dime

There were probably other incidents as well that you either don't mention or that you are not aware of. Why blame it on a "boyfriend" or call her "the runaway bride?" She was also more physically demonstrative with the other guy during the camping trip. Doesn't that say enough? I suggest you move on.

Maybe there's something wrong with my math but if she's 25 and you're 12 years older how can your profile say that you're 27?

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2009 08:00PM by Tangerine.

Thank you again for your input.

Uberche: Her complete communication cut after spending lots of time together would certainly explain the existence of a bf or the fact she is "crazy" (going through some really hard times).

Silver.Panda: Great point. Being supported by her parents, maybe, just maybe she's spoiled; that would want her expect more from an older person.

Tangerine: Thank you for the words and your perspective. She knew we were going to eat at a fast food place beforehand. She might've never been interested romantically or as a friend in me. My big question was whether it is normal to cut links like that, specially after the guy treated her well, payed for her trip, cooked her lunch, etc; we were even planning to go for a week drive to another state. She wrote something on how the lack of communication gives problems on her blog... It is definitely not a cultural thing... Oh, do not mind the profile; I only put some random number there.

Thank you again for the input!

Terry

i am not chinese, I am a mexican woman...but I in Mexico, is very appropiate that the man pay when HE invited you. ALSO if he was very nice dreess I don't know why you went to a fast food restaurant..It was a date? a long chat,
or it was a meeting for study only??
I think that she thinks that you want to date her, and then comprehend that you only want to receive CHINESE classes.. there was a payment for that?? or just because she was your friend??
Also if she is going to give it classes or gave one class why you don't pay for her meal..I think that you have to give more in order to have FREE CLASSES For a friend, or I think that you have to arrange better, talk better, you wanted the classes or she wanted to give it to you?? and if you wanted how much are you going to pay... About the differences of age, I think that in mexico also the older he has to pay 'cause you are working and maybe she is studying but also in same age relationships the man usually pay when are starting the relationship, then sporadically the woman, and then she can cooperate to the relationship.
you can talk with her and explain that in usa is different....but i think that she tought that it was a date aand she get dissapointed when she discovers that not, and when you have expectations with some guy and nothing happen in mexico we don't want him for friend (cause we have feelings more than friend so we stop the friendship for a period of time).

Good points Tangerine.

Maybe she was giving a the thumbs down to your brands, Terry. This was in the Nikkei Weekly on Monday. It's an interesting comparison of preferences and background. It might help.

Quote:
A large number of Chinese think the brands one buys symbolize social status.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2009 02:23AM by Silver.Panda.

Marial,

Thank you for your input. We agreed that I will teach her English and she will teach me Chinese; so it was something mutual. The meeting that day was to teach each other and she came to campus where I was. As you say, one pretty good possibility is that she got disappointed because I did not give many signs of romance, specially by letting her pay her lunch. Bunch of mix: cultural, age, etc. From then on, she gradually disappeared from messenger and now I do not see her there. Big time lack of communication. Since I did not do anything to scare her off, I tend to agree with you. Otherwise, no normal person would disappear like that, unless she was using me for some reason, etc.

Silver.Panda,

Thank you for the hard core data; it can convince me easily. By looking at those graphs, I can see the 70% future spending plans of Chinese women. A mix of expectations and disappointment at my "living habits" probably lead her away.

Will see what happens next time I see her on campus. I could send her an email but would not know what to say.

Terry

If all is as you've said then you can do anything. You took her camping so count her as a bona fide friend. If you've already got an eye towards moving on what's to lose?

I'd send over another test balloon but don't to let it look too much like a probe. Email a picture with a comment, a question, maybe something she hasn't seen from the trip just to engage her. The social norm is that she should reply with a thank you or whatnot. And if not, she's your friend so you go over there and say "Hey, what's up, what's up, you alright? I sent you this mail..."

If she's dropped you it's not the friendly thing. As mentioned the very same has happened to me with exchange partners here (a couple times). Has it ever happened to me with Japanese? No. Just Chinese.

There are responsibilities to being a friend so I'd follow it up. If she says she's busy that's fine but just to say hey, I'm a not a disposable person. I'm a chopstick! ..and I'm cute!

Lmvas, thanks for the clarifications. I misunderstood you somewhat. This girl seems rather inconsistent. Is that the type of person you want in your life? She may have problems but is that a reason to act this rude? Something (minor) may have happened during your meetings with her that upset her (a little?) but as a matter of Save Face she won't tell you.

Honestly, it's time to forget about her. Sometimes we want love and we fixate on someone whom we really don't know all that well and our mind endows them with beautiful character traits they don't have, etc. Later on you wonder what you ever saw in that person to begin with. We've all been there, done that. Just move on. Let it be...

......

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/04/2010 10:56PM by Neogirl.

Well first of all, I'm not chinese...I grew up in Brazil. Anyway, I'd like to give you my opinion.

Maybe she realized you weren't her type of guy and instead of telling you that, she decided to avoid you. She probably thought that you would forget her eventually. She might have met another guy after that too...

About the fast food...unless you both had already planned a date, I think there's nothing wrong about that. You were just studying languages and decided to have a snack later.Of course thats my personal opinion. But if she went out with you thinking that you were interested in her, she might have been disappointed though. Who knows....

Anyway, if a girl avoids you all the time ( even online),its quite obvious that she's not interested, so forget her.I'm sure you'll find other interesting girls.

Thank you all for the input!

Silver.Panda:

Thank you for the advice. You are right, after deciding to move on, I do not have anything to loose by contacting her, specially after the fact that we spent nice times together. I might follow your suggestion. By the way, the chopstick thing is such a cute and great metaphor thank you.

Tangerine:

I'm glad you got the clarification; you came quite tough in your first post Thank you for your input. I've pretty much decided to move on. As I said, I was just trying to understand her behavior. I understand that normal people do not treat like that to other people unless there are issues with her or with my actions. Yes, the are lots of fish in the sea; I will have more experience from now on

Neogirl:

Yes, she avoids me big time now. I was just wondering whether it was a cultural thing; I now understand that I might've acted in a matter that she did not like or, as you say, have a bf. But, as Silver.Panda experienced, some Chinese women tend to drop people like that; sorry, I do not mean to generalize; cultural things are cultural things and might be negative in one culture and not in another.

Terry

bc u let her pay for her lunch. it was you who was learning from her in language study for 2 hours non stop chat,and u should have treat her lunch. Dont u get it?

He stated he was also teaching her English. Seems fair.

Hi Friend ,
Of course, you can. So what if you are a widower? Life is not over; you can also have a good and happy life just like others. You can have new friends and start enjoying all over again. Modern Man will help you do that.

its a good thing that you are concerned about friendship,but if people dont seem to care,or pretend that they dont know about it,then you shouldnt bother as well.stay happy,stay cool.

Firstly age is only an issue if you are out of shape and not so good looking, otherwise it is a personality issue. You had one chance to act and jump on the train so to speak, and you missed it. With women you can not hesitate, if you do they will feel affronted and maybe back off and avoid you. Also, not paying for her was bad, but that was only a small part of it. I should teach a class on this subject, because honestly, the level of ignorance in regards to women is astonishing in most of today's societies. Hit me back with a PM and I'll tell you what to do, if anything can be done, to salvage the situation, Later

Hi Terry,

Its seems You are missing her <though you are 35 & she just 25>.



he heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Could be the way you smell.

Kurt Wrote:
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> probably she want you pay for her.many chinese
> girl want their boyfriend pay for them.


How many Chinese girls you've met actually?
Did someone told you that?
Maybe in the past, boys paid to show their love.
But now Chinese girls are becoming more and more independent.
So it's time to update your understanding about Chinese people.
I would really appreciate that.
Thanks!