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The Biggest Upbringing Injustice – parents punishing me instead of the other guilty kid
Posted by: Bluemountain (IP Logged)
Date: May 26, 2010 01:08PM
Looking at all the discussion topics, it looks like there's still one aspect that has never been addressed before, so I will bring it up now. My issue deals with situations when I get involved with those who are outside of the family, be it other people's kids or even adults. By far, my biggest complaint of my upbringing wasn't so much the punishment per se but rather, the fact that my parents would always automatically punish me and only me and never the other kid even though in my most humble opinion, the other kid was much more at fault as they were the ones who teased, harassed, and provoked me.

This is the biggest complaint that I have about my Chinese upbringing. Growing up in Canada, I was a fairly quiet and shy kid. I was very well behaved if I was by myself. But sometimes, I would get into some conflicts and disputes with other kids. Most of the time, these disputes would take the form of verbal arguments but occasionally, it would escalate into physical fist fights. Since I was well-behaved, I dare say that in these altercations, it was always the other kid who was more at fault in that they teased, harassed, provoked, and attacked me first. In other words, the other kid was the instigator and perpetrator, and I was the victim. moody smiley

Now, my biggest complaint: Whenever my dad found out that I got into this conflict with another kid, he would always automatically severely reprimand me without first investigating the reasons behind the fight and without saying anything to the other kid either – even I felt that the other kid was clearly more at fault. Many times, my dad would verbally chastise me and sometimes even spank me right in front of the other kid. I always interpreted that he automatically scolded me because he felt I was 100% at fault, otherwise he would also chastise the other kid as well or instead, just like what schoolteachers do. It became so serious to the extent that it really affected my self-confidence and self-esteem as I was made to feel stupid and worthless, and it prevented me from being confident when dealing with others because I thought that if anything goes wrong, it must be my fault. If I was being harassed by bullies, I’d be afraid to report it to my dad because I had every reason to think that if I reported it, then that would indicate that I got into problems with other kids again and my dad would just automatically scold me again. sad smiley

While my mom didn’t do the same thing by punishing me automatically, I have some resentment against her as well because she supported my dad all the way in his actions, and she would never punish other people’s kids either. One time, a kid was bullying me and I reported it to both my mom and that kid’s mom. That kid’s mom immediately reprimanded her own son. Afterwards, in a very embarrassing manner, my mom chided me as to why I had to complain about it. Now, that makes me outraged. Why is it okay if I get punished so many times, but when someone else’s misbehaving kid deservingly gets punished, my mom feels shame and embarrassment? angry smiley

Nowadays when I confront my parents on that unfair punishment, my mom told me that Chinese parents always punish their own kids first. And my dad said that conflicts between kids are not serious matters, so all he should do as a responsible parent is to control his own kid. I think that is total bullshit. I think adults should have every right to punish other people’s kids NOT to teach them, but for the sake of protecting and defending their own kid in situations where the other kid’s misbehaving actions directly affect their own kids.

And there is a huge contradiction when it comes to one group of adults: schoolteachers. Teachers are adults too, aren’t they? And yet, they always scold other people’s misbehaving kids. If teachers can do it, then why can’t my dad for the sake of protecting his own son? What I think is so damn ironic is the fact that overall, my dad should still be closer to me than my teacher. And yet, when I’m being bullied by somebody, it is my teacher who would come to my rescue by punishing the bully, whereas my dad only seems to help out to bully by punishing me right in front of the bully. Do you know what this will do? This will encourage the bully to harass me even more because he will see that not even my own father will be there to protect me! thumbs down

So let me ask all of you, were you subject to this kind of unfair punishment from your own parents? When you were kids and you got into conflicts with other kids, would your parents automatically punish you even if the other kid was more at fault? If you were subject to this kind of unfair treatment, then do you hold a grudge against your parents for the unfair punishment? Why do I seem to be the only Chinese kid who complains about that? eye rolling smiley

I have decided that I would definitely not treat my own kids this way. In disputes that my kid may have with other kids, I will only scold my child if I can ascertain that he was MORE at fault than the other kid. If I determine both kids are at fault, then I will scold BOTH kids and if I determine that the other kid was more at fault, I will very well scold the other kid. If the other kids parents are around, I will report it to them first and check to see that their parents are punishing their own kid. But if they are not, I will proceed to punish the other kid myself. As a good parent, I have a responsibility of PROTECTING and DEFENDING my own child by punishing other kids who are bad to my child. Some people will take offense to this, but all I'll say is that that is still MUCH BETTER than what my dad did by always automatically punishing me instead. thumbs up

Re: The Biggest Upbringing Injustice – parents punishing me instead of the other guilty kid
Posted by: Moroes (IP Logged)
Date: May 26, 2010 10:05PM
Well parents always think kids will never remember events like these so they usually prefer to sweep it aside. And parents are afriad to confront another parent about kid issues. Confronting a parent about their kid is very sensitive stuff. Its like pointing out they are bad parents because they raised a bully. Or they probably might counter attack by being proud their child bullied your child and tell you its your fault for raising such a pussy weak kid.

I've even seen teachers summoning parents to talk about their misbehaving kid. The teacher walked out the room with a black eye and some bruises. Yep they beated the teacher up because it is sensitive stuff to talk badly about their kids. You'll be surprised how many parents are not ethical or hold proper principles when it comes to their kids. They are angels to them and angels are never at fault to their eyes.

So what you going to do about it? Hold a grudge against your mum because she didn't confront with guts? You know she might have gotten a black eye if she did.

Re: The Biggest Upbringing Injustice – parents punishing me instead of the other guilty kid
Posted by: Bluemountain (IP Logged)
Date: May 27, 2010 09:32AM
Chinese parents are so damn hypocritical, inconsistent, and contradictory.

#1. If you allow your kid to be punished by others, then by all means punish other people's kids as well if the situation warrants it.

BUT...

#2. If you insist that you are not allowed to punish other people's kids for fear of repercussions, then at least be fair and consistent about it and do not allow other people, including adults to punish your own kid. If you fear of repercussions such as lawsuits if you punish others, then by all means file a huge lawsuit right away whenever others punish your kid.

Re: The Biggest Upbringing Injustice – parents punishing me instead of the other guilty kid
Posted by: Uberche (IP Logged)
Date: May 27, 2010 10:54AM
If your biggest injustice growing up was being punished unfairly for fighting you should really just count yourself lucky and move on with your life....

Re: The Biggest Upbringing Injustice – parents punishing me instead of the other guilty kid
Posted by: Astroboy (IP Logged)
Date: May 27, 2010 01:25PM
I have been beaten many times by my parents when young but now that I am older and wiser, I can't even remember who is right or wrong nor do I care to remember.

"To be wronged or robbed is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
- Confucius -

Re: The Biggest Upbringing Injustice – parents punishing me instead of the other guilty kid
Posted by: Bluemountain (IP Logged)
Date: May 27, 2010 01:30PM
Astroboy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have been beaten many times by my parents when
> young but now that I am older and wiser, I can't
> even remember who is right or wrong nor do I care
> to remember.

In those times, would you admit that you were wrong or would you insist that it was the other kid who was wrong?

Fortunately for you, it looks like your self-confidence and self-esteem were not affected by any unjustified punishment.



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